Challenges

I've been struggling lately.  A lot has been going on in my life (besides the new baby!) and I've been having a hard time coping with it.  I had to have my gall bladder removed this week because of gall stones that developed while I was pregnant.  That was hard enough to deal with, because I had to go on a non-fat diet.  Great diet plan for someone recovering from an eating disorder, but I had no choice.  It was that, or suffer through attacks that put me in the ER.  I tried to continue to control the gall bladder attacks after my baby was born with the diet, but it turned out to be too difficult for me to do.  And I couldn't really narrow down what was giving me the attacks. So out it came.  But one side effect to not having a gall bladder is that I will now gain weight easier, and have a harder time losing weight if I need to.  I've been in panic mode.  It doesn't help that if I do gain weight, there is a good chance my mom will say something to me.  I've told her not to, that it's not helpful in anyway, but she has a hard time NOT pointing it out when she thinks I'm fat.  She does this very passive-aggressively, and I really don't think she knows how much it hurts me to hear some of her comments, even though I tell her.  She thinks she's being helpful.

Anyway, I've been feeling out of control lately and really struggling to eat during the day, and to eat better at night.  I know I need to stay healthy for my little girl, especially since I'm nursing her.  But it's been hard.  I cried on my husbands shoulder one night because I was so afraid that he wouldn't love me if I got fat (he told me he would).  And I argue with myself over whether to eat a biscuit, or have ice cream, or some other sugary or sweet thing (I have a major sweet tooth, and love white bread).

I have a pretty good idea why I feel out of control, but I can't do anything about it.  Besides that, it's the holidays, which means parties revolving around food, and my family coming to visit.  It's hard, and some days, I just want to crawl into bed and stay there.  Instead, I'm constantly cleaning out the fridge, throwing away food that's probably still good, or fighting to eat something that my rational mind knows isn't going to make me fat.  I've lost my ability to cope any other way.

But I have hope that I'll get past this.  I don't want to do this again, and I'm watching myself.  I always make myself eat the thing that part of me is afraid of, and then I point out to myself that I didn't balloon.  I remind myself that my husband likes the way I look now (after gaining weight) BETTER than he did when he met and married me.  I remind myself that I have to eat, and eat right, so my baby can grow right, and grow strong.  And I remind myself how terrible and even more out of control I felt when I was in the midst of my eating disorder.  I know that I can figure this out and move on.  I just needed to vent about it.  I hope that someone out there reads this and sees that even those well on the recovery path have their bad moments.  It doesn't mean that giving up and going back is the only option.  Because it's not.  And I won't let it be an option at all.

My baby is here!  She is beautiful, and I love her so much.  All during my pregnancy, I wondered how I would approach food and having a healthy relationship with it, especially when we found out we were having a girl.  How could I teach her that food should not have any emotional ties to it at all?  Teach her that food is only food, and should only be used as a way to stay healthy, strong, and alive?  Our culture is so food obsessed, especially when it comes to using it as a comfort for emotions we don't feel we can handle.  Did your boyfriend break up with you?  Binge on ice cream and chocolate.  Know someone who is going through a hard time?  Bring them cookies.  Stressed?  Get a Whopper and Coke (make sure it's the biggest size!).  Science has shown that these foods do send signals to your brain that calm you and make you feel better, but it has also shown that it doesn't last.  It's like drugs.  The more you do it, the more you need it, so next time you have more.  I fear this will be hard for me because I still attach emotions to food.  I try not to attach any sense of my self worth to what I cook or bake and if people like it or not (I'm a perfect example of how you can't account for tastes), but sometimes, it still hurts a little if my husband doesn't eat something I made.  How am I going to react when my daughter flat out tells me she hates it?  I know kids say those kinds of things.

One plan I have come up with is to always have alternatives available.  If my kids don't like what I made for dinner, they can have leftovers, or make a sandwich.  I don't like the idea of telling them to eat it, or don't eat at all.  But I can also see the benefits of doing it that way too.  If I tell them to eat what I made, or don't eat, then they will have to try new things.  They won't end up eating nothing but pb & j sandwiches 3 meals a day.  Or only macaroni and cheese.  Or whatever it is that they happen to love.  But I worry that if I do that, try to control their eating habits and food so strictly, that my children will end up with problems with food like me.  Because no matter how I choose to handle it, there is no way they will be going into the kitchen 5 minutes after dinner is over and getting cookies or something like that for a "snack" instead.  That's just not healthy.  At least, not until they are teenagers.

It will be at least a year before I even have to worry about this, really.  Even at 6 months, when she can start solids, it's stuff like rice cereals and mushy baby food.  It's when she can start making her own choices that I'm worried about.  And if I'm lucky, I'll never have to worry about it.  Because I'll be able to control myself enough to keep from over controlling my children, and they won't learn from me or anyone else that the only thing they have control over is their food.

So, I'm taking a leap of confidence here by volunteering to post on this blog. I have my own blog, that is infrequently updated, and that very few people read. I'm okay with that. But the process of recovering from eating disorders is a subject that I feel deeply about, and I want to do what I can to help. So, here's my story, at least some of it.

I'm 29, pregnant, and have had an eating disorder since I was 14 or 15. I know exactly how it started, though I didn't consciously decide I was going to have one. I didn't even know what an eating disorder was when mine started. But it quickly spiraled into one, and I didn't mind.

Before I go further, I'm going to put out there that there might be some triggers in my story for some people, but I am trying to keep them out. To continue:

I was never overweight, nor was anyone in my family. I was always the skinny girl who could eat everything and then some. But food was always a big deal at my house. I'm not going to get into that, other than to say that a lot of emotions were tied up in the food prepared for our meals. At some point, I realized that I was skinnier than all my friends. I knew that it was genetics, but as my girlfriends started to express their envy for the fact that I was skinny and they "weren't", I became obsessed with staying skinnier than all of them. This also tied in with my not wanting to eat what my mom would pack for my lunches. I didn't understand that I didn't get the kind of food my friends got because we didn't have much money, and my mom wanted us to be healthy. So she packed fruits and vegetables and sandwiches rather than chips, candy, or Lunchables. All I knew is that I didn't want it, and she couldn't make me eat it if she wasn't there.

But I had to hide the fact that I wasn't eating her lunches; I couldn't bring them home uneaten, or I'd get in trouble. So, I started throwing them away. It gave me such a feeling of power. I don't recall ever feeling faint from not eating lunch. But I loved that powerful feeling I got from rejecting food. And it just kept going. I weighed myself enough to make sure I didn't break the weight I wanted to be at, and I was always so proud when I was less than that. I started to panic if it got close, so I would eat even less. It got worse, and worse. And food, and thoughts of food, took over more and more of my life. I just had to stay thin. If I gained one pound, I would be fat and ugly and no one would be my friend, no one would envy me, no boys would like me. I thrived on the comments. Being thin was my one true accomplishment, the one thing I was really proud of.

This went on for years. I had teachers telling my parents that I wasn't eating at school, that I never took my coat off, even when it was 70+ degrees outside. I had friends (the same ones who told me that they wanted to be as skinny as me) trying to get me to eat SOMETHING (this made me think they were trying to sabotage me). But I was powerful. I didn't have to give in, I didn't need to give in. But I was also getting more and more depressed. I started hiding from the world as much as I could. I slowly started to realize that I had a problem. It came to a head after I left home for college and was spending hundreds of dollars on food that I didn't eat. That was my first wake-up call. Who buys so much food and then doesn't eat any of it, just gives it away, or throws it away when it goes bad? I ended up moving back home, and then to an in-patient treatment program. It didn't work. I wanted to go, but once I was there, and they started to take away my control over what I could and couldn't do, I pushed back. I stopped wanting the help. I failed.

I did learn some things while I was there, and I tried for a while to get better. But I had also learned some tricks on hiding that I wasn't eating, and soon I was doing them. I convinced my parents and myself that I was ready to live on my own, and moved out again. My relapse became worse than the initial problem. But I finally felt completely out of control of what I was doing. I was terrified at the thoughts that were constantly going through my head. I started cutting myself, and once tried to kill myself. I had no control over anything I was doing, and I no longer felt powerful. I felt completely powerless. But still, it took a very, very good friend to get so mad at my twisted sense of logic on how much I could safely weigh that he pretty much stopped talking to me for a while, for me to get help. Through the help of my church, I was able to get some outpatient treatment at The Center For Change.

Going there was the best thing I ever did for myself. It worked only because I wanted it to, because I was ready for it to work. I went for at least a year, though I'm not entirely sure as to the time frame (my therapist there was my 11th one at that point). I had so much support. The nutritionist I had was great, working with me on finding food goals that I felt I could reach, and my therapist was completely understanding. She was the first one I flat out told that I didn't trust, and if she wanted me to work with her, she couldn't sit there and stare at me, she had to talk to me. My bishop kept tabs on me to make sure I was doing what needed to be done, and there was a group of girls in my church who volunteered to eat lunch with me every day so that I would at least eat something. None of them judged me, and they made it seem like we were just hanging out. No one said anything if it took me a while to eat my food, they just stayed until I was done. And all of these people were proud of me when I accomplished something that seems so small, like eating 3 pieces of pizza and not really thinking about it. I also met my husband during this, and he was, and is, a tremendous help for me.

I'm now in a good spot. I won't say I'm 100% recovered, because I'm not, and I know it. But I'm so so so much better than I was. And I'm grateful for that. I did have to do a lot of my recovery on my own, when most people would have said that I needed to be inpatient. But that wasn't an option for me. If I had gone in, things may have gone a lot faster, but I feel that since I didn't, and I had to fight tooth and nail to even keep wanting to fight, that my recovery is sticking better. Now I am proud of the fact that I can sit down and eat a meal that I made, either by myself or with other people, and not freak out (I do have my days, but they are very few). Most people don't know, and can't tell, that I ever had (and have) an issue with food. I am very, very proud of this.

I want people out there with this same problem to know that recovery really is possible, no matter how you end up having to deal with it. I've done in-patient, out-patient, and a kind of self-therapy to get where I am, and they all work, they all have their merits. The only way any chosen path will work, is if you truly want it to end, if you truly want to beat this. I had no idea that I really wanted that, until after I got past the worst of it. I had a very, very difficult time letting it all go. But being miserable was no longer an option, so I kept fighting. It's possible to win. It really is. I promise.

Triggers

I've been thinking a lot lately about TRIGGERS. I guess maybe because I am trying to be more aware of my thought patterns and feelings. What I've noticed is I sure have a ton of them. In a recent therapy session (yes, I admit I do go to therapy) I couldn't help but smirk when my therapist asked what percentage of time I was worried about or thinking about and being triggered by body image issues. I replied about 90%, but the more I've become aware of my thinking patterns the percentage is probably even higher than that.

Why am I so easily Triggered? I'm not sure but I'm fairly certain most of you can probably relate. I guess noticing them is a step in the right direction... you can't fix something you don't realize is broken but I am so open to suggestions on how to deal with them and not give in to them!

STEP 3

Made a DECISION to turn our WILL and our LIVES over to the CARE of GOD as we understood GOD.

We decided to trust that as we let go of rigidity, we would not fall. As we took and continue to take careful risks, our faith grew- in God, in ourselves and in others.

Last night we shared with each other what we have learned about this step. One major point was that step 3 is very much an action step. It's a choice, a decision to surrender our will and to trust.

For me I believe this step is the hardest so far. I had no problem with step 1, admitting that I am powerless over my eating disorder and my life is unmanageable or with step 2, that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. But since my eating disorder is in large part a control issue and a lack of trust in other people and things turning my LIFE and WILL over is one GIANT leap of faith.

I guess this step to me is a lot like repelling which I did last weekend, completely terrified. I was afraid and grew more so with each step I climbed. My decision to take that backwards step of faith onto the repel platform was almost paralyzing. Letting go of even a little part of my dysfunctional rigidity took almost more then I thought I had in me. When I was safely back on the solid ground I realized that in taking a careful risk I really had gained faith and trust in others, in myself and in God.

What I constantly have to remind myself is that it doesn't have to be all at once. By taking and continuing to take these careful risks will in time help me more fully surrender my will and life over to the care of the God who loves me.

STEP 2

Step 2 reads... Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We began to believe that we could get better, that there was a fundamental healing power.

Group last night was motivational. We spoke of belief or hope and why its something that's necessary for recovery yet difficult sometimes to cultivate. I myself sometimes have a hard time believing that true lasting recovery is attainable for myself. I have no problem cheering for others, truly believing that they can have that healing but for myself it's a much more challenging thought.

What is this "greater power"? The answer to that question for everyone is different. For most it's likely God or our Savior but like a wise group member pointed out last night, sometimes a "greater power" can be found in others. We might overlook the fact that a greater power could lie in conversion with a friend or neighbor, spouse, parent or therapist.

I've heard many a time in my life that the more you tell yourself something the truer it becomes and I know first hand its true with the overwhelmingly negative garbage ED feeds me daily. So this week I'm hoping with lots of time spent conversing with my greater power, I will truly come to believe that I can be restored to sanity.

P.S. I removed the blog followers on the sidebar in case there are those of you that would like to follow the blog but wish to remain anonymous.

Tears

I've had a lot of them lately. I feel my hope has dwindled down to a splinter, insignificant and easily thrown away. The worse it gets, the more I crawl into myself where few can reach me. This is where I think my overwhelming thoughts and cry my boundless tears. Just like water, I don't believe a person can survive on too little hope for very long. Even if the smile on the outside is still plastered on to perfection.

image from here

As hypocritical as I feel, I gave a lesson in church today. I excel in public speaking and presenting, probably because it only requires a small part of the 'real' me and mostly the 'perfect, happy, great' me. Any personal stories I share (because we all know every good talk or lesson needs to have one of those) is folded into the theme and concludes with a happy ending in the form of a pretty package wrapped in a pretty bow.

image from here

The truth is, that's not how life is - at least not mine. None of my real experiences fit nicely in a box to present as something accomplishment. I feel as though I am simply an impostor; a shell of a body completely hollow inside. Shake me and hear the thoughts and feelings bounce around in empty space. What else is there when all I have ever been was my eating disorder? I can't imagine anything else, and I can't see a future with ED as one worth enduring. Is recovery really possible? Or is death the end of the struggle? I honestly wonder about that sometimes. When I think of those who still have eating disorders after several decades of fighting for recovery, my heart aches. Not only do I feel badly about their unfortunate struggle, but I also fear the future intends for me to have a similar fate.

I don't want to get there. I refuse to get there. I just need the strength to support my decision. At this point my life is still very unmanageable.

I want to get to a place where tears are not just reserved for sadness.

...just stuff that's been on my mind.

The Trapped Moth

Last night we driving in the car for a rather long time. As we drove I suddenly noticed a moth of sorts fly into the windshield and somehow get stuck under one of the windshield wipers. He struggled and struggled to free himself which proved to be a difficult achievement. The headwind from the 70mph speed added to his disposition. Watching him fight to free himself, I lost myself in thought about this moth. I wondered if he would continue to struggle to become free or if he'd eventually succumb to what most likely was his inevitable fate. How normal would he fly with the damage he sustained during the accident if he did manage to free himself? I wondered if he was at peace being a moth or if he noticed the colors of the more beautiful butterflies and longed to be something he felt he wasn't. It also could be true however, that he was confident in himself just as he was which enabled him to continue to fight and free himself. As I thought of all this I felt true sympathy for this tiny creature being able to relate to some of what he might be feeling. When I turned again to where he was trapped he was gone. I'm not nor will I ever know what happened to him. He could have given up the fight, maybe the wind blew what was left of him away or perhaps he fought so long and hard that he beat the odds and set himself free. Who knows but I hope it was the second.

Can you relate to his struggle?

Long Dark Nights

For me there seems to be nights when it's very dark. The moon is out of view and the stars are shielded by cloud cover. The street lamps may even be burned out and its so quiet not even the crickets are chirping their happy tunes. I drown my pillow with tears feeling as though the night will never come to an end...like there will never again be a sunrise. Sometimes it's all I can do to just survive these nights.

Thankfully all things must come to an end, even the long dark nights. The sun rises on a new day...hopefully one thats better but sadly not guaranteed.

Maybe my latest Long Dark Night was to thrust me head first into beginning to work step two."Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".

Week 2- Step 1

Last night was my first night back to group in over a year. As i prepared to leave ED kept giving me reason why I couldn't or shouldn't go. As I drug me feet to the car I was fighting an internal battle with ED and was strangely somewhat relieved when I hit evening traffic thinking that maybe I'd be too late and that it'd be better if I just turned around and headed home. I did agree with ED momentarily but continued on my way disobeying him. I swear the colors of every fast food joint on my path were bolder and brighter beaconing me to change course and spend the night with ED instead of making this positive step in regaining my footing on the path to recovery. As I pulled into the parking lot...sadly only about three minutes past six and made my way down to the group room. I felt about as insecure as I remember feeling every year on the first day of school. ED has always done such a great job of making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin reminding me that I was probably going to be larger than anyone else in group and my life was unmanageable to an extent yes, but that is only because I don't follow his rules well enough. I have separated myself from him enough to know that this however is not the case and the more I follow his deranged rules the more unmanageable my life becomes. Yes, it's truly unfortunate for him that I have no problem admitting that what I'm doing isn't working.

Group ended up being the positive experience I'd hoped for. I received my 24 hour chip....which I try hard to disregard ED's constant reminder that 24 hours is nothing but a mere drop in the very large bucket. Rome wasn't built in a day right??? I was uplifted by the sharing of other group members and am eagerly awaiting next week. I find great strength when working with step two. Please join us if you can. Yes, ED will be disappointed if you do but I promise you'll be uplifted.

Love,

Alaina

Did you Know?

NEDA stands for National Eating Disorders Association. Visit their site by clicking the link to the right where you will find a host of helpful information on prevention and treatment, ways to get involved and support. You'll be glad you did!

NEDA's Mission- To support individuals and families affected by eating disorders and to serve as a catalyst for prevention, cures and access to quality care.

Powerless & Unmanageable

In our 12-Step group, we're on Step One. This step states:

We admitted we were powerless over our eating disorder - that our lives had become unmanageable.
We finally had to admit that what we were doing wasn't working.

I wrote a little about my feelings on this subject over on my blog {you can click here to view that post}.

As I continue to read all the 12-Step literature I have ... and I have quite a bit! ... I realize more and more how important it is to become aware of our thoughts and our actions. Once we are aware, we are more able to acknowledge the insanity of what we are doing to ourselves.

In group last Tuesday several people mentioned that their behaviors and thoughts are crazy, insane, or irrational. Becoming aware of what's going on inside of us will help us make the transition to Step Two. The Steps build on each other, laying foundation for each new concept.

I'm so grateful for all the amazing people who come to our EDA group - I learn so much from them and gain strength from their experiences. It's finally clicking that this is how recovery is supposed to work! We can't do it alone, instead we must love and help each other. Following the 12 Steps and learning from one another makes recovery truly possible.

YAY! There's HOPE at the end of the tunnel!

Food for Thought

As someone in my life often tells me I like to "have my cake and eat it too". Pondering this thought I came to the realization that ED encourages us to not only eat the entire cake thats been generously iced in rich creamy frosting and lick the plate clean, but then proceed to purge it completely from our systems and go on as if the cake never even existed.

Just a little food for thought.

Step Zero

a.k.a. "The Step Before the Step"

Our EDA group is starting The Twelve Steps over again. Each step is given two weeks for us to learn about and discuss.  The last two weeks have revolved around the step before the twelve steps.  I thought I would share some of the highlights of our discussions.

We came to the general consensus that Step Zero is defined as:

'conceding the existence of our eating disorders, as well as realizing that our real drug is the sense of being in control of something - food, weight, body shape, our deepest emotions, or even other people.'

To truly face the issue that is ruining our lives allows us to start the journey of recovery with sincere effort. In my own life I have found that I had to find sobriety before I could find solace in the steps.

I'm excited to spend time on each step and learn even more from my wonderful friends in our EDA group.

Me Too!

It's been forever since I posted anything here...sadly it's been way too long since I even visited this site which began as mostly my project. I'm ashamed to say that I actually even considered deleting it all together not too long ago. When Lacey posted recently on her renewed commitment it too made me more dedicated to give this another shot. I was amazed at how many visits we've had in the last year. Some perhaps stumbled upon it simply by accident and others perhaps are individuals struggling with their own ED demon looking for comfort and support. So...I've freshened her up with a new look, ready to be more adamant about regular postings. It would be so great if we had more contributors so if you have a desire to join in please contact me by email and we'd be more than happy to have your input and add you to the list. You need not suffer from an eating disorder personally but maybe you know a friend or family member who does. It would be nice to have a whole group of individuals working together in this! And please help us spread the word. I really believe this could be a super valuable tool in Eating Disorder Recovery. It's a long Journey and no one can do it alone!

Thanks!
Love,
Alaina
alaina0117@hotmail.com

Recommitted

It's been just over 8 months since the last post on this, our Recovery Blog. I don't know if there is anyone else out there who wants to help keep up this blog, but I believe it could be a source of a lot of strength and I am recommitted to help that happen.

Our EDA meetings at Center for Change in North Orem are going strong - Tuesdays at 6pm.  Next week we will be starting the 12 Steps over again, beginning with "The Step Before The Step."  For the time being, we will be spending 2 weeks on each step.  I am excited to go through ALL of the steps, especially since we will be going through them at a faster pace.

I'm doing pretty well in my recovery -- I received my 1 Year Token at the end of April.  That means ONE WHOLE YEAR behavior free! I'm not perfect in my thoughts, but I am still trying hard.  I would love to work with anyone who wants a "buddy" to work on recovery with.  Let me know what you think!

Love,
Lacey