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As hypocritical as I feel, I gave a lesson in church today. I excel in public speaking and presenting, probably because it only requires a small part of the 'real' me and mostly the 'perfect, happy, great' me. Any personal stories I share (because we all know every good talk or lesson needs to have one of those) is folded into the theme and concludes with a happy ending in the form of a pretty package wrapped in a pretty bow.
image from here
The truth is, that's not how life is - at least not mine. None of my real experiences fit nicely in a box to present as something accomplishment. I feel as though I am simply an impostor; a shell of a body completely hollow inside. Shake me and hear the thoughts and feelings bounce around in empty space. What else is there when all I have ever been was my eating disorder? I can't imagine anything else, and I can't see a future with ED as one worth enduring. Is recovery really possible? Or is death the end of the struggle? I honestly wonder about that sometimes. When I think of those who still have eating disorders after several decades of fighting for recovery, my heart aches. Not only do I feel badly about their unfortunate struggle, but I also fear the future intends for me to have a similar fate.
I don't want to get there. I refuse to get there. I just need the strength to support my decision. At this point my life is still very unmanageable.
I want to get to a place where tears are not just reserved for sadness.
...just stuff that's been on my mind.
2 comments:
Wow Lac very powerful raw stuff. Thanks for sharing...I can very much relate.
I am really grateful for your honesty in this entry. And I just want to say that Recovery is possible. It truly is.
I myself have asked those same questions: "Is death the end of the struggle?", "Is recovery really possible?". And I know how hard they are to both think about and answer. I have been in recovery for two and a half years. And I will be honest, there are times when I have wanted to just give up and return to my eating disorder. Because it's the thing that we know how to do best. We can control it the best and while it makes us feel awful and horrible, it also gives us a (I hesitate to say this) sense of accomplishment. At least for me, this is true.
However, it is also during those times that I am tempted to go back to my old habits, that I think about what I will be giving up. I literally do not remember almost two years of my life, and don't ever want to have that happen again. So I try and remember the people that I love and the things that I don't want to miss. And it's not easy and at times I have to convince myself that this is for the better, but then slowly the voices go away (I call them voices, you may call them urges or what have you) and I return to sanity.
I am sure that you have heard this a billion times, but recovery is not about doing it perfectly, but about not quitting. Quitting is the worst thing you could do. That's when you'll get death as your answer to your struggle with your eating disorder.
Your future can be anything you make it. Some people struggle with their eating disorder for decades like you said, but that doesn't mean you have to. Your future does not have to hold an eating disorder in it if you do not want it to. And I know that those can seem like empty words, because when I first heard them I looked at my therapist like she was insane. But it's true. You just have to find some force within yourself or with your higher power that makes you believe that you can move forward another day. And sooner than you know it, it'll be a week than an month and so on that you can go without constantly having to struggle with your eating disorder. And I promise it'll be great.
I completely understand how you feel when you say that your life is unmanageable. I promise you I have been there and that I still am there at times. But you just have to focus on what you said "I don't want to get there. I refuse to get there." If you focus on that, instead of the constant struggle that recovery is, then I guarantee you'll make it.
I'm sorry for such a long comment, I've just been going to Group and I was looking on the blog. And when I saw this I was really impacted by it and I wanted to comment. I just didn't mean for it to turn out to be so long. And if I've said anything to offend anyone, I am completely sorry because that was not my intention.
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