Tears

I've had a lot of them lately. I feel my hope has dwindled down to a splinter, insignificant and easily thrown away. The worse it gets, the more I crawl into myself where few can reach me. This is where I think my overwhelming thoughts and cry my boundless tears. Just like water, I don't believe a person can survive on too little hope for very long. Even if the smile on the outside is still plastered on to perfection.

image from here

As hypocritical as I feel, I gave a lesson in church today. I excel in public speaking and presenting, probably because it only requires a small part of the 'real' me and mostly the 'perfect, happy, great' me. Any personal stories I share (because we all know every good talk or lesson needs to have one of those) is folded into the theme and concludes with a happy ending in the form of a pretty package wrapped in a pretty bow.

image from here

The truth is, that's not how life is - at least not mine. None of my real experiences fit nicely in a box to present as something accomplishment. I feel as though I am simply an impostor; a shell of a body completely hollow inside. Shake me and hear the thoughts and feelings bounce around in empty space. What else is there when all I have ever been was my eating disorder? I can't imagine anything else, and I can't see a future with ED as one worth enduring. Is recovery really possible? Or is death the end of the struggle? I honestly wonder about that sometimes. When I think of those who still have eating disorders after several decades of fighting for recovery, my heart aches. Not only do I feel badly about their unfortunate struggle, but I also fear the future intends for me to have a similar fate.

I don't want to get there. I refuse to get there. I just need the strength to support my decision. At this point my life is still very unmanageable.

I want to get to a place where tears are not just reserved for sadness.

...just stuff that's been on my mind.

The Trapped Moth

Last night we driving in the car for a rather long time. As we drove I suddenly noticed a moth of sorts fly into the windshield and somehow get stuck under one of the windshield wipers. He struggled and struggled to free himself which proved to be a difficult achievement. The headwind from the 70mph speed added to his disposition. Watching him fight to free himself, I lost myself in thought about this moth. I wondered if he would continue to struggle to become free or if he'd eventually succumb to what most likely was his inevitable fate. How normal would he fly with the damage he sustained during the accident if he did manage to free himself? I wondered if he was at peace being a moth or if he noticed the colors of the more beautiful butterflies and longed to be something he felt he wasn't. It also could be true however, that he was confident in himself just as he was which enabled him to continue to fight and free himself. As I thought of all this I felt true sympathy for this tiny creature being able to relate to some of what he might be feeling. When I turned again to where he was trapped he was gone. I'm not nor will I ever know what happened to him. He could have given up the fight, maybe the wind blew what was left of him away or perhaps he fought so long and hard that he beat the odds and set himself free. Who knows but I hope it was the second.

Can you relate to his struggle?

Long Dark Nights

For me there seems to be nights when it's very dark. The moon is out of view and the stars are shielded by cloud cover. The street lamps may even be burned out and its so quiet not even the crickets are chirping their happy tunes. I drown my pillow with tears feeling as though the night will never come to an end...like there will never again be a sunrise. Sometimes it's all I can do to just survive these nights.

Thankfully all things must come to an end, even the long dark nights. The sun rises on a new day...hopefully one thats better but sadly not guaranteed.

Maybe my latest Long Dark Night was to thrust me head first into beginning to work step two."Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity".

Week 2- Step 1

Last night was my first night back to group in over a year. As i prepared to leave ED kept giving me reason why I couldn't or shouldn't go. As I drug me feet to the car I was fighting an internal battle with ED and was strangely somewhat relieved when I hit evening traffic thinking that maybe I'd be too late and that it'd be better if I just turned around and headed home. I did agree with ED momentarily but continued on my way disobeying him. I swear the colors of every fast food joint on my path were bolder and brighter beaconing me to change course and spend the night with ED instead of making this positive step in regaining my footing on the path to recovery. As I pulled into the parking lot...sadly only about three minutes past six and made my way down to the group room. I felt about as insecure as I remember feeling every year on the first day of school. ED has always done such a great job of making me feel uncomfortable in my own skin reminding me that I was probably going to be larger than anyone else in group and my life was unmanageable to an extent yes, but that is only because I don't follow his rules well enough. I have separated myself from him enough to know that this however is not the case and the more I follow his deranged rules the more unmanageable my life becomes. Yes, it's truly unfortunate for him that I have no problem admitting that what I'm doing isn't working.

Group ended up being the positive experience I'd hoped for. I received my 24 hour chip....which I try hard to disregard ED's constant reminder that 24 hours is nothing but a mere drop in the very large bucket. Rome wasn't built in a day right??? I was uplifted by the sharing of other group members and am eagerly awaiting next week. I find great strength when working with step two. Please join us if you can. Yes, ED will be disappointed if you do but I promise you'll be uplifted.

Love,

Alaina

Did you Know?

NEDA stands for National Eating Disorders Association. Visit their site by clicking the link to the right where you will find a host of helpful information on prevention and treatment, ways to get involved and support. You'll be glad you did!

NEDA's Mission- To support individuals and families affected by eating disorders and to serve as a catalyst for prevention, cures and access to quality care.

Powerless & Unmanageable

In our 12-Step group, we're on Step One. This step states:

We admitted we were powerless over our eating disorder - that our lives had become unmanageable.
We finally had to admit that what we were doing wasn't working.

I wrote a little about my feelings on this subject over on my blog {you can click here to view that post}.

As I continue to read all the 12-Step literature I have ... and I have quite a bit! ... I realize more and more how important it is to become aware of our thoughts and our actions. Once we are aware, we are more able to acknowledge the insanity of what we are doing to ourselves.

In group last Tuesday several people mentioned that their behaviors and thoughts are crazy, insane, or irrational. Becoming aware of what's going on inside of us will help us make the transition to Step Two. The Steps build on each other, laying foundation for each new concept.

I'm so grateful for all the amazing people who come to our EDA group - I learn so much from them and gain strength from their experiences. It's finally clicking that this is how recovery is supposed to work! We can't do it alone, instead we must love and help each other. Following the 12 Steps and learning from one another makes recovery truly possible.

YAY! There's HOPE at the end of the tunnel!

Food for Thought

As someone in my life often tells me I like to "have my cake and eat it too". Pondering this thought I came to the realization that ED encourages us to not only eat the entire cake thats been generously iced in rich creamy frosting and lick the plate clean, but then proceed to purge it completely from our systems and go on as if the cake never even existed.

Just a little food for thought.